The Weight of Hello

Dear You,

 

I'm sorry if I pretended like I didn't see you last night. Sorry if I acted like I didn't care or as if I didn't know you. It's just that these past few months i've been mentally rehearsing what it would be like when we come across each other again. I've had this conversation playing out in my head for the longest time - how we'd awkwardly say hi and do small talk all the while stealing glances from each other cos we don't really want the other to see what we're really thinking or feeling. Well at least on my part that's how I think it will go, but yesterday when I had the chance to actually see for myself I realized that I couldn't do it.

I fear the weight of even the single "hey" that I will utter. Equally so, I am afraid that when you ask me how i've been the words "I've been doing well" will not be much of a wall and that it will crumble behind the pressure of the mixed feelings that has built up in the past months. Even more so I am terrified of the small talk that will ensue after the pleasantries; not because i'd usually want to skip that part, but rather because I don't want to be reminded of how even the dullest parts of a conversation instantly become highlights when they're done with you.

I'm sorry, but given another chance I think I will do it again. This time around not because of fear, but because last night's encounter has made me realize something i've never thought of before but probably should have. When I told you I wanted to help you be a better man, I really meant it, but I have to admit that part of that was driven by a selfish want to make you realize how good a match I was for you. It was wrong and that is why things have to be different this time around. Because helping you to become a better man may have to entail me becoming a better woman myself. And that means having to avoid situations that will make you believe that you can lie and cheat your way through anything - I have long stopped enabling you, remember?

We're on different forks of the road now -with a great expanse of beliefs and dreams between us - but as long as I know that we're both moving down the right path and towards the right destination, I wouldn't mind and I may actually be happy for you even if it means that the road you're on now will never wind its way back to me. 

I miss you.

ME