Got time for gorgeous men being endlessly adorable?

It's been raining for a solid three days now and that has seriously impaired my capacity to think about anything deep, or at least worthwhile, like the paradox of choice or the real essence of feminism. The weather's just begging for me to hit the sheets and stay in bed for another minute that somehow stretches  to an hour.

With all my mental faculties necessary for critical thinking bailing out on me, i'm left with my basic senses; taking in the world in soundbites, images, and olfactory delights. If you can only hook me up to an fmri machine, i'm sure my nucleus accumbens will be all lit up like fucking Times Square.

The main culprit? The men on my Tumblr dash of course. In gif format no less. I mean, how cool is it that these gorgeous men are being endlessly adorable on my screen, subject to my girly whims? Yeah, my epiphanies don't get any further than that lately, wait, where you expecting more? hah.


OK, enough talk. Let's all take a minute to appreciate these men being gif-gorgeous.

Let's just say that the amount of time i've been staring at Penn Badgley doing that cute thing with his eyes (yeah I know it's just called squinting, BUT), borders on creepy.

The world seriously needs more JGL. Too bad his goody cop character in The Dark Knight Rises didn't come with facial hair.

My personal favorite. Seriously, do I need to explain? It's James "i-can-do-anything-and-still-be-incredibly-hot-while-doing-it Franco!

You will thank me for this last one!

You're welcome :)

Oh of course you have more than a minute to spare!

Norah Jones 'Happy Pills'

Another lazy Saturday here at home. After a busy work/schoolweek, it's pretty hard to convince any of my siblings to go out of the house. So yeah, I also have to live under this lazy cloud that's hovering over them every Saturday.

Sometimes it pisses me off, 'cause idleness isn't an atmosphere you want around you, but then there are days like this when staying at home isn't so bad, and I actually feel great about just being in my pj's all day, stretched out on the bed, taking extra long to do everything, or just plain not doing anything.

Maybe it's because I stayed out til late last night, maybe it's the weather, or maybe it's just being 25 and not caring about not filling my time with the parties and all the activity that I used to crave when I was much younger.

or maybe, it's just one of those days.

Actually, i'll leave it at that and not over-analyze it.

Right now i'm just going to relish the feeling of being at home on a Saturday night, the promise of rain in the air, lazing on my bed, in my floral pink pajamas that's three sizes too big, going through the length of my Tumblr dash like it's the most important thing in the world, waiting for my McNuggets (!!!) to arrive, meanwhile enjoying Norah Jones' silky, jazzy voice about realizing someone's not good for you and finally giving them the boot.

Happy pills.
Sounds just about right and perfect.
Welcome to my blissful Saturday.
 

Never said we’d be friends,

Trying to keep myself away from you,

‘Cause you’re bad, bad news.

With you gone, I’m alive,

Makes me feel like I took happy pills,

And time stands still.

How does it feel?

Oh how does it feel to be the one shut out?

You broke all the rules.

I won’t be a fool for you no more my dear.

just another day of counting on serendipity

Of the many things i’ve read, watched, written, and thought of the past few months it has become increasingly and frustratingly harder to recall any particular quote or line and to place where I first encountered them. I do keep a record of the things that really strike  me, but there will still be things that escape me. Things that at that particular time may not be so relevant or useful, but somehow manage to be called up by my consciousness at random, relevant instances.

Currently it’s this line or what I remember of it “up until now she never used her condition to wound me”. Those may not be the exact words, but you get my drift. Did all the available, practical, and logical ways to look for it, but to no avail. At first I highly suspected it might be from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, but my word search for “wound” turned up nothing. How reliable are those searches anyway?

Actually it’s not that important whether I find the source or not given that it has nothing to do with what I plan to build up from those lines, but it’s one of those things that gnaw at me til I crack it or at least shut it up. It’s like a simple riddle from my childhood that I can’t answer, mocking my mental faculties. So if only for that, I need need need to find that damned source.

But my patience is running thin, and i’m just flat out defeated right now so here I go with this post. My last resort. It’s me leaving a note out there, hoping that the answer will find me in one sweet serendipitous event.

Meet my Daddy :)

 

 

Happy father's day! 

My Favorite Person is a Five Year Old Kid

Due to my grandfather's passing, family members from all over the world went back to the Philippines to pay their last respects. It was the perfect opportunity not only to catch up with aunts, uncles, and cousins who we haven't seen in a long time, but also to meet the new additions to the clan namely, the great grandchildren.

This is the story of how I met Norah, my five year old niece, and how I (along with the whole family) eventually fell in love with our little darling.

This is Norah Anne, the first day we saw her. She didn't do much talking and wouldn't even look at us. Must've been the effect of the long flight from Spain to the Philippines and all the eager attention from so many strangers! I'd clam up too.

But we were given the gift of a second day, and off she went giving her primos and primas a hard time chasing after her and a possible stomach ache just from laughing way too much.

From then on it would be smooth sailing. She'd usually alternate between moments of pure concentration on the many gadgets she found amusing

and just being downright playful and charming with her different faces.

Adorable!

Over the course of her short stay here, she let us in on the things she loves.

Like her collection of Disney princesses stickers,

playing games on the tablet,

actually playing games outside,

music!, and the thing she couldn't get enough of...

swimming!

It's been a few days now since she went back to Spain, and god knows how long it will be 'til we next see her, but no matter how short the time we had with her, it surely brought a smile to everyone's faces and hearts. Really now, how could this kid not be my favorite person? 

To Life, Love, Family, Lolo

I'm still feeling the effects that the past two weeks have had on my body and emotions, but it feels so good to be blogging once again. With lolo's death, things just seemed to pass in a daze of activity and busyness that has at times left me numb to the reality that i'll never get to see that beautiful smile of his again. But amid the flurry and the bouts of sadness, i've found room to rejoice and to give thanks simply because i've realized God has blessed me with a big, wonderful family.  A family that's easy to neglect in the face of the daily grind but will nevertheless be there at the end of the day, through good and bad. I only have to read the news to see how much the concept of 'family' is being attacked nowadays, with broken families and other tragedies within families increasing by the day,  to be completely grateful for having a family that's committed to each other and that's willing to put in the time and effort to keep us close and together.

Having the whole family gathered like that, with all the cousins and aunts and uncles flying in from abroad has surely made lolo happy - and that, i'm positive, is what we all wanted.

Here's to you lolo, this is how we celebrate your life, by coming together as the big family you gave life to.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

The past two days have been bad. So awful that I actually said i'd rather die than continue living like this. I'd rather die. Wow. I'm someone who believes in not uttering those words carelessly because there are far too many people out there who suffer and who are determined to live through it day in and day out.  So yeah, for me to have said that was the exclamation point to how low i've been feeling lately.

But then another thing about me is that I can't seem to give up. I swear it frustrates me how relentless I could get no matter how shitty I feel to the point that everything in me is already telling me to quit. Somehow there will always be that tiniest of voices inside my head telling me that "yeah right, you know you'll be back at it again tomorrow."

Shit. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Exactly what i've been asking myself today. And I think what's wrong with me is this: I've lived through shit and hell before. As simple as that.

Maybe a screw or two got unhinged along the way, but here is another thing I know about me, that at the end of the day I will choose to keep on living. I owe it to myself. I owe it to that girl who fought through a messy heartbreak and also to that girl who believed and kept on with life even though she could hardly move and had no life to speak of for a month. I owe it to them to live through each day and to give it my best.

When God Gives A Quick Yes

Not too long ago, I posted something here about my wish to see Kobe Bryant play live. It was in my bucket list but there was a sense of urgency in that wish because I knew that Kobe's playing days were close to being over and there was no way I could get that amount of money in such a short time and hie off to LA and catch a game.

So yeah, it was just a wish I threw out there because that's what you do when dreaming's all you've got.

But who would've known that in just the span of 2 months the NBA will go into a lockout the likes of which was last seen in the 90's, or that the said lockout will drag on causing some players to look for opportunities to play elsewhere, or that even greater still that three out of my five favorite players in the league will see some hoop action right here in the Philippines?

The thought continues to blow my mind away the same way it did the first time I heard of the news that Kobe, D. Rose, and KD, along with 6 other NBA players will be having an exhibition game against some elite players in the PBA. Three of the best players in the league today, putting up a show in the Araneta Coliseum, in front of the Filipino crowd (which I must say are the best basketball fans in the whole world) , me in the middle of all of it, jumping and shouting and fist pumping at every amazing shot that they made - never in my wildest dreams did I see this day coming.

Which of course when I think of it, is just sad and begs for forgiveness, because I forgot, I have a big God listening to even my heart's tiniest wishes. There I was insignificant in the bigger scheme of things, and yet God chose not only to hear, but to grant my even more insignificant wish.

The game was already days ago but everytime I think about how events played out to make it possible, I am still floored by how awesome it is when things work out according to His plan - and throw at me all of your skepticism, but I believe that even something as trivial as that game was part of His plan to affirm in me that He knows and that He listens. So never shy away from wishing or dreaming just because you think it's impossible, because God is always ready to meet your needs in a way that may not always be as you have planned, but could just be something that's so much better.

Photos from the Smart Ultimate All Star Weekend @ The Big Dome last July 23, 2011

Cleaning up

I will be on an indefinite leave from blogging because I have some major cleaning up to do. My closet is one of them, but God knows there's so much more in my life that needs an overhaul. I couldn't say how long it will take all I know is that I just need to do away with so many things. Things that make me tired, crazy, and write crappy entries.  I wish I could let you in on everything that's going on, but it's just so ugly and messy it would be better to spare everyone from the negativity. I'm taking my time with this one and for once give things one big shove instead of just waiting for it to take its natural course. I need this so bad and i'm hoping to come out of it one baggage lighter and with more room for something new.

Ciao.

Things to do

I'm a bit busy these days, but not really that productive which is partly to be blamed on the tabs I open (Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, Blogger) once I get on my browser . So yeah i'm leaving reminders here and there just to get me off the shiny glittery things and keep my mind focused on the not so shiny and glittery but nonetheless more important things that I have to do.. uhmm right about now?

to-do list ( in no particular order of importance)

• read up on the RH Bill
• finish blog post  about stand on the RH Bill
• close that facebook tab
• blog about thoughts on leaving home / living alone
• stop looking at that facebook profile
• blog about my quarter life crisis
• make a dent on my reading list
• find places to visit and best places to eat in in Baguio
• cancel English classes on Sunday
• re-think the Business English Tutorial offer
• re-read Appetites and keep a dictionary, notebook, and pen close by
• prepare new articles for discussion with students
• keep my mind off my blogger stats especially that constant visitor from Far  away
• keep my mind off of finally purchasing my new baby ( 2 more weeks yay!)
• stop lurking on social networking sites past midnight and instead get lots of sleep
• Study pronouns and verbs for Saturday's entrance exam review session
• Make slides and exercises for said review session
• Look for a good place to eat somewhere in SM North or Trinoma
• Sunday lunch and movie with college lunchmates
• sign up for a VCF small group
• Think about volunteering for the kid's ministry
• plan meet ups w/ other sets of friends
• overhaul my tumblr and blogspot blogs
• try this meditation thing and see if it helps keep me sane

There, see you guys in a bit :)

Girls! 18 years!

As they say, boyfriends come and go, but girl friends are forever ♥  Imagine, 18 years already with these beautiful, wonderful women! I'm blessed with great friends and I hope this goes on until we're all on top of our careers, blushing brides and even when we're mommies already!

Calai, Kat, Tin, and Crisela - 18 years and counting!

trying on Kat's adorable headbands <3

Crisela rocking a Muslin princess vibe here lol

We're drinking wine now! haha Poser Night!

Love, Love! ;)

To be young and crazy, I miss it

Saturday night with UP Cells, to celebrate endings and new beginnings with the new graduates, in a party that was aptly called Wasakan 2011. I won't go into the details, but boy, in that moment I swear we were infinite ♥

Booooooooze! among other things.. heh

Chismisan with Joald and Donna

I conquered WASAKAN 2011

Til next time UP Cells ♥

Bury the past, then throw away the damned shovel

I'm having one of those months. You know, the one wherein I think i'm doing so well and am finally gaining some ground on the past, when suddenly everything does a 180 and now i'm not too sure anymore of the "progress" I made. Well to say the least it sucks.

When I say the past here, i'm not just talking about people or relationships, i'm referring to the totality of my past experiences - the bits and pieces that I had no choice but to let go of and the ones that I chose to just let loose. Old habits for instance as well as unhealthy thoughts and downright wrong thinking. As a work in progress there are just these things that you have to cut off from your life along the way; bury the past is what most people would usually say and I totally get why it has to be that way. Actually i'm a firm believer in the idea that the past isn't good for anything else, other than for its lessons. After fleshing it dry of life's wisdom, it's best to leave it behind. Buried and stomped on one last time for good measure.

But tell me, why do I often find myself looking for the freakin' shovel?

Here's to Better Bolder Badder

I've been stumped for three months now, trying to figure out what it is I really want to write about. See, while ranting about my normal day can get me by from time to time, there are just days when it feels pointless and even a chore that I have to be done with. Which isn't exactly how I envisioned blogging to be and so I gave myself a break - from trying too hard and from giving too little. 

In that moment of quiet, two striking realizations came to mind.

One is that i'm afraid writing will escape me. The idea of not being able to capture thoughts, moments, and even a bit of life itself into strings of words has left me frustrated a couple of times already. The silence of these pages haunt me at night , in fact; the empty pages a reflection of the void I feel over not being ale to contribute something. 

Which is why, if there's anything I want more right now, it is to grow; to master the written word to such an extent that it becomes a formidable weapon against the hearts of stone of the apathetic or a soothing balm to the pains unspoken, but which we all share.

Second is that i'm afraid of what will be created on these pages and from these pages; and it's a fear that is sadly at the cost of authenticity. You see I don't think I can ever write with authenticity - and therefore be unable to write what I really want to - until I know that the people who matter to me can live with the dirt and the demons.

This sentiment has not  been said more succinctly than in the words of Miguel Syjuco in his novel Ilustrado, 

"...the people who love you will only see their deficiencies in your work. That's the strength of good writing and the weakness of the human ego. Love and honesty don't mix. To be an honest writer, you have to be away from home, and totally alone in life."

Fortunately for me though, 24 years of a not so bump free ride through life have made me no stranger to fear. So it is with the same spirit that I take on this latest challenge - the road to better, bolder, badder.

Roomie Issues

For all the time I have spent in dormitories living with complete strangers from high school way up to college, I have such big roommate issues. Issues that are resurfacing now that i've been sharing my room at the house with my aunt for a couple of months now.

For starters let me take all the responsibility for these issues, I am the worst possible roommate. I am messy because I tend to hoard a lot of stuff without consideration for storage space, I like leaving my bed unmade until late in the afternoon, I sleep in any chance that I can get, I don't like natural lighting in the room so I leave the curtains drawn, I don't sleep until it's 1-2 am so that means lights off is pretty much around that time too, I read aloud whenever a passage in a book speaks to me, I am almost always in the room but am too busy doing my thing to acknowledge anyone's presence or make small talk, and on occasions where I do go out I come back deep into the night or very early in the morning almost always drunk which makes it highly likely that I end up tripping on something or crashing into bed without any regard for the amount of noise I make.

That Often Ignored Spot, Revisited

Typography Animation from casey marks on Vimeo.

Having one of those nights where the hormones and the general feel of the day just leave me wanting and where the reality of my condition leaves me tired. Was doing my research on P to get my mind off things when I came upon this video. It stung. Hit me in all the places I haven't dared visit in a while because i'd rather that the Pandora's box of ugly emotions remain shut. 

But there's not much use in holding it in now.

For a while I am raw.

I feel like i've missed out on a lot.  I hear you.

It Goes On

Fall of Icarus by Pieter Brueghel

Icarus, son of Daedalus, escaped the island of Crete through wings made of feathers sealed with wax. Ecstatic perhaps of this gift of flight, he failed to heed his father's warnings and flew too close to the sun - thus his fall. Tragic. But Brueghel's painting is anything, but that. What it is in fact is an image of any given day - a plowman works his land, a ship is set on its course, and the sun , well, it goes on shining - where is Icarus in all these?  If you look just below the ship, you'll see his legs spilling out of the ocean, the rest of his body lost in the green sea. 

A rather subtle picture and yet it paints a striking image of a few of life's truths when it comes to suffering. Some say it shows how we are indifferent to other people's sufferings in the face of our own needs, but I don't think that's entirely accurate. I'd like to believe that one, it shows how suffering is a common lot, taking place anytime, anywhere, with or without an audience, and that two, whether we like it or not, life eventually has to take its natural path and go on. Nothing new there, nothing that people before me haven't been witness to and haven't spoken of already. And yet it seems that this generation has lost its grip on the importance of that truth. We're so fixed on the idea that we are all entitled to something because our lives are like this and like that (insert whatever concern you have at the moment). 

I need not go too far actually for examples, my life for the most part has been about having this general feeling that life should cut me some slack because of the immense suffering it has already thrown at me. But who am I kidding right? We all have our crosses to bear so to speak, why does my suffering have to impose on the lives of other people? What right do I have to hold back the lives of other people, just because I feel that mine is in one huge slump? I admit these questions conflict with my general feeling of entitlement, but the truth stands that my life is mine alone to live and I have to deal with it and go on rather than wait on people to make things better for me or for events to finally turn in my favor.

Going back to Icarus' fall it must have been a spectacular sight to see a boy on man-made wings take flight; but the common folk must go about his task, the traveler must set on his sail and complete his journey, the world go on its natural course , and about life - perhaps the greatest lesson we can learn summed up in simple words - it goes on.